This post was originally published on May 14th, 2017 and has been updated with slight stylistic changes.
Can you believe it’s been almost a year since I last talked about poop?
Last June, I encouraged everyone to poop better by using an improved squatting posture, and I had always meant to follow it up with another article to make your time in the restroom even more satisfactory.
That’s right: it’s time to talk bidets.
The first time I saw a bidet I was terrified. I was a young Mormon missionary living in Ecuador, and the thought of shooting cold water anywhere near my butt was far too homoerotic to even consider.
Boy, was I naive.
Turns out, the bidet is easily the single greatest piece of equipment I’ve ever introduced into my home.
Why You Should Clean Your Butt
It’s weird that I have to explain the merits of cleaning one’s butt, but here we are.
The need for bidets is clear. Who of us, after accidentally getting poop on their hands, would wipe it off with nothing more than a paper towel?
So why do we do the same to our butts?
Sure, we don’t shake butts when greeting one another (although now that I think about it, maybe twerking is just a new way of saying “hello”), but it’s still gross to think that millions of people are walking around every day with their anus unwashed.
The bidet solves this problem in a clean, environmentally friendly way. Bidets reduce the usage of toilet paper because you use clean water to get rid of all the nasties, then use a little bit of toilet paper to dry yourself.
It’s a win-win situation!
I Want to Clean My Butt — What Next?
Unfortunately for all of us, bidets never took off in the US. It was probably due to some combination of our puritanical culture and hatred of all things French.
But you can change that, at least in your own home!
The traditional bidet is separate from a toilet, and I’m betting most of us don’t have the money or the room to completely revamp our bathrooms. Thankfully, some ingenious people created bidets that can be attached to your existing toilet. Some even use warm water!
I don’t know if we’ll ever see bidets as a regular feature in the majority of restrooms in America (just like we’re still stuck with insanely tall toilets that totally screw up our bowels), but unless more of us make the switch and discover the amazingness that is the humble bidet, progress will never happen!
Social change starts in your own bathroom, so it’s up to all of us to join together and clean our butts!
Don’t be an asshole; go get yourself a bidet, today!
Lane Sawyer is an IT consultant at Pariveda Solutions in Seattle, WA. He enjoys writing articles like this one when he’s not working on some new project, tackling a challenging video game, or running around outside in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. You can find out more about him on his website.